Dead, but Not in Vain
by Lilybelmae
Summary: This one-shot gives a glimpse as to what Johnny was thinking during the last few hours of his life.


**DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own The Outsiders. All of the characters, Johnny's letter, and the conversation between Johnny, Dallas, and Ponyboy the night Johnny died belongs to SE Hinton copyright 1967 Speak Press**

As I lay down on the soft hospital bed under the bright lights I had only two things on my mind: that poem by Robert Frost and Ponyboy Curtis. I had been thinking about that poem and what it meant. I now realized it meant that you're gold when you're a kid, kind of like green. As a kid everything's new, like the dawn. So, in a way, when we grow up, we lose our innocence, just as the dawn turns to day. I wanted to tell Pony so many things. I wanted him to stay gold just like the poem says and I wanted him to know that I didn't mind dying. I knew it was worth saving those little kids; they had so much more to live for in life. I mean, who would give a hang besides the gang if I died? I needed to make sure Ponyboy knew what I wanted to tell him, but I felt so weak. It was then that I knew what I had to do.

"Nurse!" I croaked.

"Yes, Johnny?" she asked kindly.

"Could you please bring me a pen and paper?"

"Sure thing sweetie, right away"

She came back with the pen and paper. Very slowly and meticulously I wrote this:

_Ponyboy,_

_I asked the nurse to give you this book so you could finish it. The doctor came in a while ago, but I already knew it anyway. I keep getting tireder and tireder. Listen, I don't mind dying now it was worth it, it was worth saving those little kids, their lives are worth more than mine, they have more to live for. Some of their parents came by to thank me and I know it was worth it. Tell Dally it was worth it. I'm just going to miss you guys. I've been thinking about it, and that poem, the guy that wrote it, he meant your gold when you're a kid, like green. When you're a kid everything's new, dawn. It's just, when just u get used to every thing its day. Like the way you dig sunsets Pony. That's gold. Keep it that way, it's a good way to be. I want you to tell Dally to look at one. He'll probably think your crazy but ask for me. I don't think he's ever really seen a sunset. And don't be bugged over being a greaser. You still have a lot of time to make yourself be what you want. There's still lots of good in the world. Tell Dally I don't think he knows._

_Your buddy,_

_Johnny_

When I finished writing I called the nurse back and asked:

"Could you please hand me that book on the table?"

She handed _Gone With the Wind_ to me. I folded up the letter and placed it between the front cover and first page of the book. Then I turned to her and asked:

"Could you please give this to Ponyboy?"

"Sure, Hon" she said, "What does he look like?"

"He's got short bleached blond hair and greenish-gray eyes"

"I'll make sure he gets it, Johnny," she whispered.

For the next little while everything was quiet. Then the Doc came in and said:

"Johnny, you've got some visitors"

It was Pony and Dallas. They came over and Dally knelt down beside me.

"Johnnycake?" he whispered hoarsely. "Johnny?"

"Hey" I whispered back.

"We won," he smiled. "We beat the Socs. We stomped them-chased them right outta our territory"

What was he talking about? Didn't he know fighting was useless? It sure as heck didn't do any good when I killed that Soc. I had to tell Dally that.

"Useless…" I said hoarsely. "Fighting's no good…"

"They're still writing editorials about you in the paper. For being a hero and all" Dallas said a little too calmly.

"Yeah," Dally continued. "They're callin' you a hero now and heroizin' all the greasers. We're all proud of you buddy"

I could feel my eyes glowing with pride. Dallas was proud of me! That tough, cold, mean hood really was proud of me. I felt real weak and didn't think it would be long now. I knew I needed to talk to Ponyboy before it was too late.

"Pony," I said softly.

I could feel Ponyboy leaning in to hear what I had to say.

"Stay gold Ponyboy…" I whispered. "Stay gold…"

I closed my eyes and saw a bright white light. Mr. and Mrs. Curtis were there along with their dog were standing in the light. They were waving to me. I felt myself being pulled toward that light and I knew everything was going to be okay.


End file.
